the past

so i called dad the other night, and he said he was reading back through old entries in his journal, and shared some of his thoughts with me.  so, i was inspired to do the same. by my bedside, i read through old journals, and surprisingly forgot about my first blog... 

tonight, i spent hours reading through blog entries in my "blurty" journal dating back to 2003... and, i came across some entries that shocked me, but am forwarding a few to remember (my sister would especially agree with the TV entry and laugh):

Sunday, May 15, 2005

12:24AM

i have much less anger now. what has changed? realizing that i MUST give back. years of selfishness cannot be analyzed. there is no time for pondering moments of the past when i MUST live for today. im so glad im done with that LIFE and can live a completely NEW one. this is the real me speaking. for those individuals i have hurt, i will show you through my actions and words that im sorry. i cannot take away the person i once was, just show you the person i can be. this is me. finally free.

Monday, December 6, 2004

9:40AM - for granted

it was cold in salt lake city when i nonchalantly woke up in the comfortable bed. driving with tears for fears was pleasant in times of sadness. i left more dark than when i had arrived. the presence of depressed individuals can suppress my ability to be happy. the constant nagging about how messed up life is, when really, we dont even know how good we have it. to live under a roof, have clothing on our backs, food on the table, opportunities to be educated, surrounded by supportive family, as well as technology linking us to the community are only fantasies for some. and here, we have it all. i've decided my time is scarce. there are going to be people that need me more than i need them. but when my personal happiness is being put in jeopardy, i must back off. 

then... i got out of my car and began to walk. snow was falling gracefully on my shoulders. students surrounding me on the cement path. i stepped off the road and paced toward the lonely tree. this place is beautiful. how does this happen? im struck with comfort and filled with joy. this is not home, but look what i have been blessed with: a sanctuary of peace. gratitude for the introduction of beauty and laughter. 

instead of painting my walls black, im admiring the purity of snow. 

i press on this day, the depression of yesterday a mere lesson for tomorrow. i move on. im unsure of how long my life will be so there's no need to sweat the small things. the picture is much bigger at hand. and, im making an effort to prevail. if they aren't willing to climb out, i must set them free. no more misery.

Current mood:  relieved

Saturday, December 27, 2003

11:33AM

what i dont understand is why my family watches so much tv. every room i walk in, the tv is on--i simply walk out. it doesn't make sense to me when there is nothing to be gained from these sitcoms. it just strengthens the theme of anti-tv in my life, and i hope my family may sometime in their life agree with me.